Wait, *where* are my shoes?

17 Nov
Spears performing during her 2009 world tour

"Hi, ya'll! I keep olive oil in my trash can!"


I bet you thought you were going to get to see some pictures from my killer new 10th story view of DC today.  Well, you’re not.  The camera cable is still lost in box-mountain.  If I don’t find it by tomorrow I’m calling in reinforcements (aka the moM, who is flying in from Pittsburgh).    What you *are* getting, though, is a little list I’ve been working on called, “Please God Don’t Let Anyone Come Over and See My House Right Now,” or, “Moving Makes Me Crazy in a Britney Spears Kind of Way.”  I’m still working on the acronym.  PGDLACOSMHRN MMMCBSKW is a bit…err… letter-y.  ANYwho, here are some random fun facts about my move:

#1: My trash cans are filled to overflowing with olive oil, shaving cream, vanilla syrup, and laundry detergent because the movers “don’t transport liquids.”   Why are the movers expressly forbidden from transporting an unopened bottle of olive oil, but they have no problem toting an upside-down half-empty bottle of shampoo (yeah, that went well…) and an almost full gallon of black paint?  *sigh*

#2: So far I’ve unpacked three copies of The Once and Future King.  Three.  I’ve also unpacked three Complete Works of Shakespeares and three copies of the last Harry Potter book.  In other news, I still don’t know where my cell phone charger is.

#2: The guest bathtub is currently stuffed with picture albums, some dried lavender, a plush cat neither Husband or I will claim, seven half-burned candles, old VHS tapes of my high school musical performances, framed wedding photographs, and a giant letter M.  I don’t know where the shower curtain is.

#3: We saved boxes & packing paper from the last time we moved & asked the nice Russian/Ukrainian mover boys to re-use it (I mean seriously, $19 for a box?  Gross).  Apparently something got lost in translation, though, because I just unpacked a box full of… yeah, that’s right.  Boxes.  I also unpacked a box full of paper.  Awesome.  Totally worth $90 an hour.

#4: I found my pots and pans in the guest room, right next to a box of (smashed) Christmas bulbs that belonged to my Grandmother (no, the movers did NOT get a tip, in case you were wondering) and a soccer ball that had been bubble wrapped & unceremoniously taped to a shoe.  (Yes, just *one* shoe).

#5:  One of the movers left his pants at our old house.  I’m trying not to think about it.

#6: Husband owns two keyboards, two trumpets, an accordion, and some sort of triangular stringed thing (a lute, maybe?).  He also whistles every morning.  (That last bit had nothing to do with moving, I just thought you might want to know).  Have you ever spent 20 hours moving all of your stuff and then been awakened the next morning by your lover whistling the Gummy Bears theme song?  No?  Me either.

#7: You know that suitcase of stuff  you packed with “essentials” like work clothes, coffee, and your new address?  Well, you’re not going to need any of it.  Instead you’re going to need Advil, roller skate shoes, and your toothbrush.  Just sayin’.

#8:   One of our boxes was labeled thusly:  “clouses.”  Wanna know what was in that box?  Yeah, I’ll bet you do!

#9: I actually heard one mover ask another, “How you spell ‘glass’? Is one ‘s’?”  I therefore wasn’t surprised when our strapping young men gave up all pretext of writing in English and started labeling our boxes in Russian (Ukrainian?).  I’m pretty sure they were writing swear words about Husband & I, because they kept giving us dirty looks and mentioning how much stuff we have (uhm, yes, why do you think we hired movers? Pipe down, dude.  You signed up for this!).

#10: Tonight I’ll be sleeping next to a wizard’s costume, a picnic basket filled with socks, a box of clouses (see what I did there? tee hee), and about eighteen thousand balls of  yarn, while you’ll be sleeping next to your boring old alarm clock.  If you want, I’ll send you a little ball of yarn so you can sleep next to awesome, too.  FYI: I’m going to write your shipping address in Russian, so it might take awhile to get there.  Cheers!   })i({


9 Responses to “Wait, *where* are my shoes?”

  1. Amy November 17, 2010 at 7:30 am #

    I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. Thanks.

    Good luck!

  2. auntbethany November 17, 2010 at 8:12 am #

    I now have more reasons to like you:
    1.)You have three copies of “Deathly Hallows.”
    2.)You use Britney Spears acronyms.
    3.)You, also, have old VHS tapes of your high school musical performances…mine are NOT in my bathtub, though.
    4.)You also have a household full of musical instruments, except mine is full of a baby grand piano, a keyboard, an oboe, and a rusty trombone/saxophone that will never be played due to the amount of rust on their mouth.

  3. brooke greenbank November 17, 2010 at 8:20 am #

    I love the gummy bears theme song!

    When we moved down to NC, we had torrential rain, a mover with a glass eye, and a random dude our movers hired off Craigslist to help them load the truck. Isn’t it always a joy? 🙂

  4. Man Crush November 17, 2010 at 9:12 am #

    Whoa, whoa. What about the three copies of The Once and Future King??? I’m way more impressed by those.

  5. ferabeth November 17, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    So now would probably be an inappropriate time to mention that I donated two of those three copies, eh? I love you? *grin*

  6. ferabeth November 17, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    I tried to get Husband to cancel the wedding by bribing him with a baby grand. He was *this* close! I miss having a real live piano…

    Also, we now only have 2 copies of the Deathly Hallows. I donated *my* copy, so now we’re down to Husband’s copy and the one still in the original Amazon packaging that no one’s allowed to read because it “might be worth money some day.” Life is full of funny, isn’t it?

  7. ferabeth November 17, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    Yay! I love to make people laugh!

  8. Julie November 17, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    OMG! You are the only person I know who can take such a horrendous stressful day and turn it into something entertaining and funny to read! I can SO identify with most of the things you wrote, too! (…..except for the random pair of pants at the old house. that’s just creepy. And, I REALLY need to know what a “clouse” is!)
    I love you!

  9. JoAnn November 17, 2010 at 6:14 pm #

    too bad I wasn’t there. I maybe could have translated the Russian for you !!!!! (and sworn at them too)

    But seriously, I HATE moving.

    At least you have found your sense of humor… who needs shoes 🙂

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